On shaking hands

I dislike shaking hands.  People who shake hands should learn that not everyone is comfortable with the custom.

People cough and sneeze into their hands; they probe their nose, ears and other orifices.  From puberty to beyond pension age some men – if not most – experience an extreme difficulty in not fondling themselves frequently.  Not everyone washes his or her hands after using the toilet.  Some people bite their nails.  These and many other things are among the reasons why I dislike shaking hands.

When someone offers me their hand to shake, I simply explain that I do not shake hands and try not to be drawn into any arguments over it. 

However, some people who like to shake hands have a problem with people who do not.  They seem to think that the person offered a hand to shake is obliged to accept it.

It is just a friendly gesture, they say.  Quite so, I may observe, however, I do not shake hands.

They will take offence if I should refuse, they say, by which point I am already offended by the uncomfortable position they have just pressed me into. 

No offence is intended in my personal choice of not shaking hands.  It is a general policy.  If a person chooses to take offence by my preference not to shake hands, then so be it.  They are obviously quick to take offence and their so-called friendly gesture is but a shallow sham.

It is said that the handshake evolved out of European diplomacy around the time of the Tudors.  The gesture was to show that the envoys came without weapons in their hands, presumably daggers or poisons.

Before this, presumably, acts of supplication such as bowing and curtsying alone sufficed.

However, that was then and this is now, and I am reminded of a line from an Undisputed Truth track Smiling Faces Sometimes: ‘Beware of the handshake that hides a snake.’

As long as the person has not kicked up much of a fuss, I am more than happy to nod or bow one’s head as a common courtesy instead of shaking a hand, if they should desire.

Words such as ‘sir’ and ‘madam’ are as common in my vocabulary as ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’ are for others, so common courtesy, tact and politeness has never been much of an issue for me.

One of the areas I am looking for work is in customer service where decorum is an essential.  There are not any supermarkets that I visit where the assistants expect me to shake their hands.  Nor is it practicable to shake hands with a customer service advisor who phones me unexpectedly or otherwise.

If one were to be fortunate enough to be invited to a job interview, one would explain immediately ‘Sir or madam, I prefer not to shake hands’, and hope they have understanding enough not to press me deeply on the issue.

However, if I were pressed I would allude briefly to the hygienic reasons given above and suggest that I was mildly OCD about it.

As with bowing and curtseying to royalty, outside of diplomatic circles, I think handshaking should be left to the discretion of the individual and not an obligation. 

And now that I have that off my chest, I wash my hands of the issue.